Breaking the chain

Oh my God, I'm back in jeans

Picture by bluryee on Flickr.

THAT'S the good news. It has been 11 years in the making.

The bad news is I haven't been able to step on the scales in weeks as I have been beside myself with stress over various things - this yet again includes close family illness.

But I took a deep breath the day before yesterday and on I strode. I'd convinced myself I'd put on every last pound I'd lost.

So I was bloody well cock-a-hoop to find I hadn't. I don't want to say how much exactly I had put back on but let's just say a couple of weeks of healthy eating and even some exercise will soon put me straight.

I wouldn't shop for jeans in a million years. But a couple of weeks back I got a phone call out of the blue from an editor at a paper where I'd filed some copy about my "weight loss journey".

Another new day, another new start. 'Me time' - What's that again?

OKAY, so November wasn't a cracker and nor were December or much of January so far. But I feel fine, still fatter than I'd like to be, but fine nevertheless.

I had a lovely day in a gym yesterday - all day. I had a back massage, facial, swim, a go in the steam room and sauna, you name it. I've never done anything like that in my life before - I would have felt far too guilty. I remember wanting to go swimming when my daughters were tiny and setting off to go and do it by myself having sorted out the childcare. Thing was, when I got there, the pool was closed. I burst out crying - so rare and so treasured was my 'me time.'

October update - "only" lost 2lbs this month but November will be a cracker!

IT has been a busy month for all sorts of reasons and I have had mixed success when it comes to eating healthily and exercising. There have been one or two episodes of bingeing, though not as bad as earlier slip-ups.

I have also had a couple of meals out as part of celebrations for my daughters' 10th birthday. For the first time in years I had a starter but I was very conscious of the choices I was making. I think I have been to the gym about seven times this month - am not entirely sure as have been running round, busy with work and things at home.

But I also went shopping for clothes for me for the first time in more than a year too. This, as ever, made me cry but this time it was "good" tears - I was so bowled over that I could fit into the dresses on display. I ended up buying two and hope to have them taken in as I continue to get smaller.

I wrote a piece about binge eating for a paper and had my photo taken surrounded by cake! Now I'm waiting for the piece to go in. Somehow I felt okay, as a very kind make-up lady helped put me at ease.

Oh and I had a few tests for (gulp) diabetes. They were inconclusive so I have to go back in a couple of weeks. I was a bit of a wreck about this but the nurse was very reassuring.

I'm not at all disappointed that I "only" lost 2lbs this month - two stone in the two months earlier were plenty I think so I have to be realistic. That said, I really want to do my best for the coming weeks, especially as I am going to be cutting down on sugar which I hope can help me 'ride out' the urge to binge, should it strike.

Chugging along nicely-ish. Should I ditch the slimming pills?

I BOUGHT some Adios tablets the other week. They have sat in my bag ever since, I'm a bit scared of them really.
And I'm embarrassed that I bought them in the first place. I left my handbag in someone's office last week and all I could think was bloody hell, it's got a packet of Adios in it.
The information on the packet says that the 'herbal supplement' helps to speed up your metabolism, which sounds quite tempting. But as I'm exercising anyway, I'm not sure that I need that.
Plus I'm just a bit worried that even considering taking such a supplement means I'm still screwed up when it comes to food, dieting, healthy eating - however you want to put it.

Six week progress report - 21lbs lighter

Despite beating myself up for bingeing last week, eating sausage rolls and drinking cider at a family party last week (hardly the crime of the century!) I nipped my misery guts attack in the bud and got back to the gym as well as thinking more about what I was eating.

I weighed myself yesterday and had lost another 3lbs - that's a stone and a half altogether. My BMI has gone down four points and I have very nearly lost 10 per cent of my body weight. Getting to that point is this week's target. I have also, judging by the clothes I have, as opposed for shopping for new ones, dropped a couple of dress sizes.

My coat is a size 22 and at the start of the summer holidays, I couldn't do it up across my chest. I don't think it is too much of an exaggeration to say it's hanging off me (oh okay, it could be) but I also have a jacket hanging in the wardrobe that had been worn once. It's an 18 and I have worn it twice over the last couple of weeks - it's quite fitted and each time I have worn it, people have commented at how nice I look.

To be honest with you, when someone says that, it makes me quite emotional. I have to think hard to remember the last time anyone told me something similar, unless it was my partner. He is complimenting me most days on how 'well' I look - saying that my complexion is great or something and a couple of mums have commented, with one saying I looked 'amazing' and the other saying I looked 'trimmer.'

So overall, I'm delighted. I think I am most pleased at the changes I have made and that they are becoming habit. I found last week, really really tough but got back into it, feeding my new found addiction for reduced calorie houmous and continuing to look to the future.

Back to binge eating and wondering why

THIS week,I've been back on the bingeing. Last night I must have consumed enough calories to nourish a family of four – including sugar-laden, fat-packed snacks. In between cooking my family’s very healthy tea and reading my daughters a bedtime story, I stood in my kitchen and ate four Kit Kats, three packets of crisps and other such crap until I could eat no more. Then I cried. Unlike someone with a different (and arguably more accepted) eating disorder, I didn’t then make myself sick. Instead, today here I am feeling like shit, still crying a little, and wondering how to ‘get back on track’.

Please don't feel too sorry for me. While the negative voice in my head says I should be beating myself up, the rest of me is screaming - 'don't do it' - just get a grip and carry on.

A month in - changes I've made

OVER the last four weeks, I've tried to take small steps to improve my diet and health. I have aimed to:

Reduce the amount of fast food/takeaways I buy - I haven't had any. I had one pub meal of chicken curry and chips and this upset my tummy really badly and very quickly - won't be doing that again in a hurry!

Drink more water

Eat more fish

Have five servings of fruit/veg a day

Take more exercise

A new day, a new start

IT always happens - back off holiday, I'm raring to go. The difference is that this time, just two days in, I'm already making it happen. Now I just need to stick at it.
I need to have small goals and want to aim for half a stone at a time. I know it can be counter-productive to set a time limit on that and to work towards a target, but my brother collapsing and being treated for diabetes is all the warning sign I need, thanks very much. That's why I'm telling myself it's reasonable to expect to lose 7lbs by the end of August - through healthy eating and exercise.
This morning, I did a whole 30 minutes in the gym - treadmill and cross trainer, I got my heart rate up to 146 and down again after that quite quickly. The machinery told me I'd burned around 100 calories on the cross trainer and I have no clue how many I burned on the treadmill.
I was thinking that six stone was a lot to shift, and then I realised it's seven. Oh well. After a year I should see a real difference. But these first weeks are key - yes it's just two days in but I am feeling happy and motivated. I'm not feeling particularly hungry and am not beating myself up for past failures.
The turning point for me was talking to the nutritionist.
Her wise words have really hit home. My mum thinks they were nonsense. She told me so last week - about 10 minutes before offering me a chocolate bar.