IT has been a busy month for all sorts of reasons and I have had mixed success when it comes to eating healthily and exercising. There have been one or two episodes of bingeing, though not as bad as earlier slip-ups.
I have also had a couple of meals out as part of celebrations for my daughters' 10th birthday. For the first time in years I had a starter but I was very conscious of the choices I was making. I think I have been to the gym about seven times this month - am not entirely sure as have been running round, busy with work and things at home.
But I also went shopping for clothes for me for the first time in more than a year too. This, as ever, made me cry but this time it was "good" tears - I was so bowled over that I could fit into the dresses on display. I ended up buying two and hope to have them taken in as I continue to get smaller.
I wrote a piece about binge eating for a paper and had my photo taken surrounded by cake! Now I'm waiting for the piece to go in. Somehow I felt okay, as a very kind make-up lady helped put me at ease.
Oh and I had a few tests for (gulp) diabetes. They were inconclusive so I have to go back in a couple of weeks. I was a bit of a wreck about this but the nurse was very reassuring.
I'm not at all disappointed that I "only" lost 2lbs this month - two stone in the two months earlier were plenty I think so I have to be realistic. That said, I really want to do my best for the coming weeks, especially as I am going to be cutting down on sugar which I hope can help me 'ride out' the urge to binge, should it strike.
I BOUGHT some Adios tablets the other week. They have sat in my bag ever since, I'm a bit scared of them really.
And I'm embarrassed that I bought them in the first place. I left my handbag in someone's office last week and all I could think was bloody hell, it's got a packet of Adios in it.
The information on the packet says that the 'herbal supplement' helps to speed up your metabolism, which sounds quite tempting. But as I'm exercising anyway, I'm not sure that I need that.
Plus I'm just a bit worried that even considering taking such a supplement means I'm still screwed up when it comes to food, dieting, healthy eating - however you want to put it.
But I sort of know that anyway. This is a long hard slog. Latest is I have been back at the gym today and yesterday and eating really healthily over the past couple of days. So I'm feeling pretty energised and motivated.
I'm not weighing myself though. I had a bit of a splurge at the weekend (curry, Maltesers, profiteroles...) and what will be, will be. I went off the rails for a couple of days before I started craving reduced calorie houmous and rye bread! So I don't want to weigh myself at the moment and be all discombobulated by what the scales say. The plan is that I'll climb on again at the end of October.
I'd lost 26lb in two months. That's hell of a lot, whichever way you look at it. So perhaps I had gone overboard. My last session at the gym was a body combat class which had me wheezing and spluttering like I'd been smoking 60 Silk Cut a day.
The good news is my trousers are falling down a little and my coat is hanging off me like a scarecrow. Best of all, I have put my engagement ring back on my now not so chubby finger.
We're off to Blackpool Pleasure Beach in a couple of weeks so the thought of getting my arse stuck on The Big One is keeping me going.
Despite beating myself up for bingeing last week, eating sausage rolls and drinking cider at a family party last week (hardly the crime of the century!) I nipped my misery guts attack in the bud and got back to the gym as well as thinking more about what I was eating.
I weighed myself yesterday and had lost another 3lbs - that's a stone and a half altogether. My BMI has gone down four points and I have very nearly lost 10 per cent of my body weight. Getting to that point is this week's target. I have also, judging by the clothes I have, as opposed for shopping for new ones, dropped a couple of dress sizes.
My coat is a size 22 and at the start of the summer holidays, I couldn't do it up across my chest. I don't think it is too much of an exaggeration to say it's hanging off me (oh okay, it could be) but I also have a jacket hanging in the wardrobe that had been worn once. It's an 18 and I have worn it twice over the last couple of weeks - it's quite fitted and each time I have worn it, people have commented at how nice I look.
To be honest with you, when someone says that, it makes me quite emotional. I have to think hard to remember the last time anyone told me something similar, unless it was my partner. He is complimenting me most days on how 'well' I look - saying that my complexion is great or something and a couple of mums have commented, with one saying I looked 'amazing' and the other saying I looked 'trimmer.'
So overall, I'm delighted. I think I am most pleased at the changes I have made and that they are becoming habit. I found last week, really really tough but got back into it, feeding my new found addiction for reduced calorie houmous and continuing to look to the future.
THIS week,I've been back on the bingeing. Last night I must have consumed enough calories to nourish a family of four – including sugar-laden, fat-packed snacks. In between cooking my family’s very healthy tea and reading my daughters a bedtime story, I stood in my kitchen and ate four Kit Kats, three packets of crisps and other such crap until I could eat no more. Then I cried. Unlike someone with a different (and arguably more accepted) eating disorder, I didn’t then make myself sick. Instead, today here I am feeling like shit, still crying a little, and wondering how to ‘get back on track’.
Please don't feel too sorry for me. While the negative voice in my head says I should be beating myself up, the rest of me is screaming - 'don't do it' - just get a grip and carry on.
OVER the last four weeks, I've tried to take small steps to improve my diet and health. I have aimed to:
Reduce the amount of fast food/takeaways I buy - I haven't had any. I had one pub meal of chicken curry and chips and this upset my tummy really badly and very quickly - won't be doing that again in a hurry!
Drink more water
Eat more fish
Have five servings of fruit/veg a day
Take more exercise
What I don't want to do, is feel like I'm on a diet, there's nothing I 'can't' eat - but as it turns out, I haven't ate any chocolate.
At the moment, I'm feeling happy and very motivated. Here's hoping I can enjoy the next month as much.
HERE I go. It’s treadmill time – 7am.
It can seem far too much like hard work. That’s just the bending over to put my towel down as this expensive piece of kit has nowhere to put it.
The gym is quite quiet at this time in the morning. I lower my head to avert the gaze of the body builders and lycra-clad, super-fit, women who have also hauled their arses (or what there is of them) here as I step on. OK Go, I aint.
Now what speed do I want to start with?
This one must be in miles per hour. Thing is, the last (a while back!) was in kilometres. I feel giddy just thinking about it – having whizzed off the end before I had time to say: “Whoah.”
Aspiring to look and feel like Denise Lewis, wee Jimmy Krankie, with added girth of course, springs to mind instead.
This is relentlessly boring, though isn't it? Such tedium should be cured by watching one of the eight TVs in front or me, or choosing a radio station pumped through my headphones. Actually, I just need to find my headphones or shell out more money for a new pair.
I’m not that bothered about catching up with the Botoxed weather lady or listening to the clinkety-clank of the latest dirge from Hannah Montana.
Still, that could drown out the clankety-clink of my locker key pinned to my extra large T-shirt.
What’s this? Now it wants to display my weight, height and age. What’s a little while lie among friends?
Why can’t it have one of those signs that say: “Stand back, privacy is paramount.” I’m sure I’ve seen them at cash points – or perhaps Weight Watchers – why not here?
Having established that I am 22, 5ft 6 and eight stone four, I select one of the "pre-programmed" options. These will helpfully show the hills I have yet to climb and the distance left to walk or jog. (Did someone say jog?)
Even the “fantasy” me would get bored of that. But my time is livened up by another pratfall as my attention wanders to whether Lorraine Kelly will be on in a minute.
The running deck isn’t actually always long or wide enough for me to use my "natural" stride. As my energy flags, I tend to wobble more than usual. Bouncing off the sides is no fun and now people really are staring.
Going backwards up a "steep" setting as I have been advised to do, seems almost impossible. There should be a "are you sure?" button to stop the likes of me pushing themselves harder and getting stared at more than I should.
It must be doing me some good, though, right? I’d love to say I knew. The calories burned and heart rate display is on the blink again.
Why don’t I try pounding a pavement or running up and down stairs at home instead? Where’s the fun in that? At least here I’m surrounded by other poor deluded, wobbly souls.