The elephant in the room

I STARTED today in tears. Before I'd even got up, I was weeping and wailing about what a 'failure' I am because my size 18 trousers are so bloody tight. Not that I wear them in bed of course.
Neil said all the right things, bless him. First he assured me that he loved me, that the kids loved me and that I was still me and I shouldn't get so upset.
Then as I continued to snivel, he told me to relax and calm down. Which was fair enough. So I got up and cooked some bacon. In fact I also cooked some Sainsbury's Taste the Difference sausages - and bloody lovely they were too.

I was upset because my mum had been very 'short' with me on the phone the night before. It may be ridiculous to some but when my mum, or Neil's mum, for that matter, has a go at me about losing weight, it triggers a great amount of stress from somewhere deep within.
Before that, I was doing fine. I even had my picture taken this week. I'd been dreading it, as I don't let a camera anywhere near me usually. I did my normal joking around with the local newspaper reporter who was fixing it up - could they take it from the back? Could they take one of someone else and pretend it was me? Did they have an airbrush? Etc , etc. I could tell he thought 'what the f*ck is this woman on?' but I had to try and have a laugh with him. That's what I do.
When the photographer arrived, he was a real gent - he'd been doing the job 35 years and we 'clicked' over tales about 'the old days' on regional papers and mutual friends. Each time I confided I felt self-conscious, he told me to stop putting myself down. He reckoned (or so he said) I had lovely eyes and would be great fun to go out for a drink with. When he took the picture, he even said: "That's beautiful."
I sighed inside and thought that he was talking bollocks, but when he showed me the image stored on his digital camera, I actually smiled. "Oh that's lovely," I said and my colleagues nearly fainted.
So I was on a bit of a 'high' after that. The nutritionist I went to - and will go back to - had said something similar - that I was obviously a lovely person, with lots to do, so why was I so hard on myself?
I felt like this has really started to sink in. I have relaxed around food, I'm trying my best not to beat myself up about it, to break the diet-binge-hate myself cycle.
And then my mum rang.
I was trying to tell her about something my daughters had been up to.
"Have you lost any weight?" she interrupted brusquely.
"I don't know, I haven't been on the scales," I told her.
"Well are you still over eating?" she pretty much barked.
"No," I said through gritted teeth but thought something just tells me I might tonight.
I know it's not a particularly cruel exchange. No insults were thrown, no accusations of 'failure' or value judgements about being a fattie were made. But do you know what? I've missed out something massive (no pun intended, yeah right) from this post - a true 'elephant in the room' if ever there was one.
My brother has been diagnosed with diabetes. I'm hoping to go and see him next week, to have a chat, give him a hug and help him start to find the understanding about his weight that I'm also working towards. I'm worried sick for him and frankly terrified that I'm equally in danger of this disease. And obviously, my mum, who also loves me very much, is too.

Comments

[CD]

Oh, Linda. I don't know what to say, apart from I know how you feel. I am so tired of stuffing my face full when I'm feeling miserable because I think it'll make me feel better, and so tired of not eating for a day afterwards in an attempt to make up for it. And I am at risk of diabetes because of my stupid genetics, and I hate that I hate all the photos there are of me in the past five years because I don't look anything like how I think I look. Keep with it xx

[Stella]

Hi Linda,

I came here through a Facebook group you and I are both members of.

I have the same problem with emotional eating, and starving and bingeing. And, I have diabetes running rife in my family. I don't have anything insightful to add, I suppose I just wanted you to know that there are others like you and who understand what it is to struggle with food and weight (and now health) issues on a daily basis.

[Liz]

As another member of the emotional overeater group who doesn't like to look at photos of herself, I just wanted to check in to let you know that you're not alone by a long shot. I've often thought that those of us who overeat (or who have other food issues) have the same problems as other addictive personalities, only we can't avoid our vice because we need a certain amount of nutrition to survive. This is a tough problem that each of us has to come to terms with in our own personal way and we can't allow outside forces to influence the way we think and feel about ourselves - even if they are loved ones who are only doing it for the best. Hang in there!

[Linda]

CD.

Thanks. I used to say that while that food was in my mouth, it made me happy, but eating became such an issue in itself that I had to go and get help. Despite my shitty day yesterday (which included going out to a Lily Savage 'tribute) - yes really and thinking that everyone who looked at me was thinking 'fat cow' - I am having more good days than bad days now - and tomorrow (Monday) I am going to seriously think about what I am eating. Your kind words have really helped me and I hope that you can also get on with it and be less hard on yourself, one of the things I need to do is stop feeling guilty that this is an issue in the first place - I feel bad when there is so many people with what I consider real problems and then there's me whingeing about being fat - in some people's eyes - it's simple - eat less, move more. yeah right. thanks again.

Stella,

thank you - it's unbelievable - the only bloody weight stories you read are those who have shed five stone in six months, of course they all put it back on - I am coming to realise that there are so many women struggling and most of the time now I feel like I am getting to grips with things - especially when people are kind enough to take the time to give me some support - but a bad day can have a catastropic effect - I don't mean in that I eat more, I mean in making me feel like sh*t.

PS have been trying to comment on your blog but it won't let me - thanks for linking!

Liz - thank you.
I went into town yesterday morning to buy my daughters some stuff from an accessories shop - I couldn't even look in the mirror. That is the worst I have been, but have been like it for a while. I'm definitely an addictive personality - only difference is that unlike a drug addict or even a smoker or alcoholic, the effects of my addiction are there for all to see around my tummy.