An insight into the life of a sub z-lister: Remembering my failed diet column

"OOH, it's you, it's really you!" A woman screeched as I started my way through the checkout.

"Eh?" I replied, more confused than the time Carol answered the phone and said: "Come in."

"You're that journalist lady, aren't you? The one who used to write about eating every week in the Express & Star."

"Yes," I smiled. "You've made my day." Hey, this is what it must feel like to be Myleene Klass, I thought as I grabbed the Economy apple juice from my trolley.

"Why girls, you've got a famous Mummy," said my fellow shopper.

I am not making this up.

Imagine how she would have felt if she'd been confronted by Timmy Mallett. (In fact, think how anyone would feel when confronted by Timmy Mallett.)

Just wait til I told Neil.

But for some reason, I was soon back down to earth with a bump...

"Oh dear. I can see the diet went to pot. Once you've got a weight problem, you never lose it you know, just look at me," confided my erstwhile fan.

I laughed nervously while eyeing up the size of the woman's behind in her Slimma Slacks. "Ye-es" I managed through pursed lips, while turning my back to get my hands on the Domestos.

"Come on girls, shall we try these new sweets?" I suggested cheerily after the lady had gone, and ripped open a packet of Planets with my teeth.

Comments

[Her Bad Mother]

The Fan From Hell, clearly. Too funny!