Breaking the chain

October update - "only" lost 2lbs this month but November will be a cracker!

IT has been a busy month for all sorts of reasons and I have had mixed success when it comes to eating healthily and exercising. There have been one or two episodes of bingeing, though not as bad as earlier slip-ups.

I have also had a couple of meals out as part of celebrations for my daughters' 10th birthday. For the first time in years I had a starter but I was very conscious of the choices I was making. I think I have been to the gym about seven times this month - am not entirely sure as have been running round, busy with work and things at home.

But I also went shopping for clothes for me for the first time in more than a year too. This, as ever, made me cry but this time it was "good" tears - I was so bowled over that I could fit into the dresses on display. I ended up buying two and hope to have them taken in as I continue to get smaller.

I wrote a piece about binge eating for a paper and had my photo taken surrounded by cake! Now I'm waiting for the piece to go in. Somehow I felt okay, as a very kind make-up lady helped put me at ease.

Oh and I had a few tests for (gulp) diabetes. They were inconclusive so I have to go back in a couple of weeks. I was a bit of a wreck about this but the nurse was very reassuring.

I'm not at all disappointed that I "only" lost 2lbs this month - two stone in the two months earlier were plenty I think so I have to be realistic. That said, I really want to do my best for the coming weeks, especially as I am going to be cutting down on sugar which I hope can help me 'ride out' the urge to binge, should it strike.

Chugging along nicely-ish. Should I ditch the slimming pills?

I BOUGHT some Adios tablets the other week. They have sat in my bag ever since, I'm a bit scared of them really.
And I'm embarrassed that I bought them in the first place. I left my handbag in someone's office last week and all I could think was bloody hell, it's got a packet of Adios in it.
The information on the packet says that the 'herbal supplement' helps to speed up your metabolism, which sounds quite tempting. But as I'm exercising anyway, I'm not sure that I need that.
Plus I'm just a bit worried that even considering taking such a supplement means I'm still screwed up when it comes to food, dieting, healthy eating - however you want to put it.

Six week progress report - 21lbs lighter

Despite beating myself up for bingeing last week, eating sausage rolls and drinking cider at a family party last week (hardly the crime of the century!) I nipped my misery guts attack in the bud and got back to the gym as well as thinking more about what I was eating.

I weighed myself yesterday and had lost another 3lbs - that's a stone and a half altogether. My BMI has gone down four points and I have very nearly lost 10 per cent of my body weight. Getting to that point is this week's target. I have also, judging by the clothes I have, as opposed for shopping for new ones, dropped a couple of dress sizes.

My coat is a size 22 and at the start of the summer holidays, I couldn't do it up across my chest. I don't think it is too much of an exaggeration to say it's hanging off me (oh okay, it could be) but I also have a jacket hanging in the wardrobe that had been worn once. It's an 18 and I have worn it twice over the last couple of weeks - it's quite fitted and each time I have worn it, people have commented at how nice I look.

To be honest with you, when someone says that, it makes me quite emotional. I have to think hard to remember the last time anyone told me something similar, unless it was my partner. He is complimenting me most days on how 'well' I look - saying that my complexion is great or something and a couple of mums have commented, with one saying I looked 'amazing' and the other saying I looked 'trimmer.'

So overall, I'm delighted. I think I am most pleased at the changes I have made and that they are becoming habit. I found last week, really really tough but got back into it, feeding my new found addiction for reduced calorie houmous and continuing to look to the future.

Back to binge eating and wondering why

THIS week,I've been back on the bingeing. Last night I must have consumed enough calories to nourish a family of four – including sugar-laden, fat-packed snacks. In between cooking my family’s very healthy tea and reading my daughters a bedtime story, I stood in my kitchen and ate four Kit Kats, three packets of crisps and other such crap until I could eat no more. Then I cried. Unlike someone with a different (and arguably more accepted) eating disorder, I didn’t then make myself sick. Instead, today here I am feeling like shit, still crying a little, and wondering how to ‘get back on track’.

Please don't feel too sorry for me. While the negative voice in my head says I should be beating myself up, the rest of me is screaming - 'don't do it' - just get a grip and carry on.

A month in - changes I've made

OVER the last four weeks, I've tried to take small steps to improve my diet and health. I have aimed to:

Reduce the amount of fast food/takeaways I buy - I haven't had any. I had one pub meal of chicken curry and chips and this upset my tummy really badly and very quickly - won't be doing that again in a hurry!

Drink more water

Eat more fish

Have five servings of fruit/veg a day

Take more exercise

Food diary - week 4 - 4lbs lost

Another good week and am feeling full of energy.

Food diary - week 3 - stayed the same

I'M disappointed that I haven't lost any weight this week, but delighted that I have continued to eat a lot more healthily and exercise.

I've had a really good week and feel really well, I think I feel as though I have lost weight - so I hope it shows up next week. There are bound to be weeks in a month where my weight goes up and down all by itself, so I think this must be one of them! As I've already lost a stone in two weeks, I can hardly be too bothered - this is a marathon not a sprint.

Also, in the past a week when the scales showed I hadn't lost any weight would have sent me straight to the biscuit tin, so am made up not to be feeling 'deprived'.

Food diary - week two - 6lbs lost

THIS is another good one. Amazing what you can achieve when gripped by fear!

Food diary - week one - 8lbs lost

I HAVE been advised many times to keep track of what I'm eating - at Weight Watchers, I lost four stone 10 years ago and the Tracker, where you record everything that passes your lips, was an essential part of that. Since then, personal trainers and a nutritionist have also said I should keep a record - the difference being, the personal trainer wanted to lecture me about what the 'right' and 'wrong' foods were and the nutritionist wanted me to understand more about what I ate and why.

I prefer the nutritionist's approach of course. Anyway, scintillating as it is, here's my first week's food diary - it's the sort of list that I would feel pretty smug about putting in front of any personal trainer. It's an honest account and at this stage I have to say I hope I can continue in the same vein. It's easy to say 'why wouldn't I?' but do you know what, if it was that easy, I'd be eight stone six.

One step beyond: The treadmill and me

HERE I go. It’s treadmill time – 7am.
It can seem far too much like hard work. That’s just the bending over to put my towel down as this expensive piece of kit has nowhere to put it.
The gym is quite quiet at this time in the morning. I lower my head to avert the gaze of the body builders and lycra-clad, super-fit, women who have also hauled their arses (or what there is of them) here as I step on. OK Go, I aint.